She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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