I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
