I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
