yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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