he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
