if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
