I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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