we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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