Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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