oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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