3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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