Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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