I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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