just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
