not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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