he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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