Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
