He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
