Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm always down for nudity.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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