She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
