My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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