so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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