the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
