It's Friday. Sex?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
