So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
