this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
