mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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