It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
