took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
