my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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