We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
