I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
FUCK WHALES
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