I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
