i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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