I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i will never coherently bang her
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i think my cat just said my name.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
