I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize