I accidentally burped into my bong.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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