I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
