I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
