Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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