Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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