Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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