you guys were way drunker than both of me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
