Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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