I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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