I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
