you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
