I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
