I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
