I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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