I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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