Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
