Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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