its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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